Lying or hiding information from others to protect them
Something we keep seeing time and time again in our lives is this idea that one ought to lie to others or hide information from them to protect them. For example in the Netflix show Raising Dion there's a situation in which Dion — a 7 year old black kid — experiences racial discrimination for the first time. He doesn't understand the situation or why it happened, and his mother wanted to protect him from it by not telling him about it. She thought "he's too young" and "he has too much on his mind already" but the reality is that as soon as someone is capable of understanding a concept, they are ready to be exposed to it, and by doing the opposite — not being honest and direct about such things as they happen — you stand to cause long-lasting harm on that person because they will be ill-equipped to face the very thing you are hiding from them when they next encounter it. In fact, next time you as a parent or a friend may not be around to help them with it.
The world is complex enough without friends and family lying and/or withholding information from us as well. When you fail to be open and direct with others, you give up an opportunity to help the person understand what you think they won't be able to handle, and many times you'll find they'll be able to handle it just fine. Plus, if you lie or omit information you are only setting yourself up for a future break in trust if that ever comes to light (which it does more often than not). Worst of all, you may be instilling certain behaviors in your child or friend without even realizing it.
There were many instances in my childhood in which I was taught not to be honest and direct in our communication with others. For example, when my mother prepared a meal, it was sort of expected that people would only say positive things about it. Politeness was valued over honesty, and this I maintain is a big mistake. What my parents ended up teaching us was that people are too sensitive to hear the truth and we should always doctor our words to keep people happy, rather than saying what we truly feel. This is literally encouraging people to lie, which is bad for the person for many reasons I've already outlined elsewhere, but it's also bad for the person being lied to because they never actually know whether people are telling them the truth and they can't get constructive feedback on what they do. Remember: being honest does not necessarily mean you have to be blunt or rude.
In Teresa's childhood, something similar happened with regard to talking about things at family gatherings. In China, she says, there is a huge culture of "saving face" and presenting only the best possible image of yourself and your family, and it's considered more important than presenting the truth. This is such a toxic notion that not only leads to people lying to each other all the time, but it is the source of a great deal of family and relationship drama in the long run.
You know what approach effectively never leads to any issues? 100% honesty, given with respect and humility. Of course, since a lot of people grew up with similar upbringings as we did, many people today are not prepared for 100% honesty and that may cause some problems at first. If everyone has been tiptoeing around you your entire life, never being direct and honest with you, then you probably have skin made of tissue paper, and being told some things directly (and perhaps with not the best tact) may cause some shock at first. But that shock fades, and once you understand that the person being honest is only aiming to improve the communication and trust between you two, it stops being a big deal, and in short order you will realize that you never want to be anything other than completely honest with another person ever again.
Whether you find out the easy way or the hard way, it turns out honesty really is the best policy. 🙂
