The Challenge of Community
If you've been following my work over the past year, you will probably notice that I'm all about living in intentional community, which stands in stark contrast to the more typical (for an American at least) lifestyle a person might have where they live in an insular nuclear family unit in a single-family structure on a small parcel of land that is neatly isolated from their neighbors. That's the lifestyle I've known my entire life: one that has been profoundly shaped by an economic system that divides us into discrete, isolated social units, to the great benefit of the capital class[1]. However, I'm not here to belabor the pitfalls of capitalism or the clear advantages of community living; today I want to spend some time discussing the challenge of living in community.
Though it may seem a trite statement, the primary challenge with living in an intentional community is relating with others. To be certain, there can be many challenges associated with living anywhere, but the specific challenge of living in community vs. living alone or in a nuclear family has to do with the simple fact that there are a lot more people in your day to day life. Furthermore, depending on the structure of a particular community and where it falls on the intentional community spectrum, you may have lots of acquaintances/more surface-level relationships (co-housing) or fewer but deeper/closer relationships (co-living[2]). In other words, it's not merely the increased quantity of relationships, but also sometimes the depth of those relationships.
Intentional communities on the co-housing end of the spectrum are somewhat like living in an apartment with other flatmates, although rarely does one live in an apartment with 15 or 20 or 30 flatmates which is certainly possible within an intentional community. You get to know people because you bump into them every day and have periodic meetings with them, but the connection isn't necessarily really deep and you generally still have the privacy of your own home to retreat to at the end of the day if you reach a level of socialization that is too much for you. In a large enough community, you can choose how much you want to relate to people, and sometimes that might mean you don't relate very much at all if the other person doesn't really vibe with you.
On the co-living end of the spectrum, you are deliberately making the choice to have much deeper connections and so you've already agreed to put in the effort to resolve conflicts and find common ground with those you live with. While you could of course choose to not interact with a person who you didn't vibe with, it would defeat the purpose of co-living which is premised on the simple fact that closer-knit social groups (i.e. families) have much higher potential for synergy than other (less close-knit) approaches.
Regardless of which end of the spectrum you fall, living in community requires effort to make relationships work. Choosing to not deal with someone you live with would only be making it worse for yourself. It is in your best interest to forge a connection with everyone around you because those are the people who have the greatest impact on your life. If you nurture those connections, you will have a strong support network of friends and family always around you — an amazing thing to have, especially for when times get tough.
What makes relating to others easier?
I'm confident that every human being on the planet would thrive in an intentional community. The challenge is finding the right people who vibe with you and ensuring that the design of your community is suited for the kind of relationships you want with each other.
Accordingly, there is no single set of skills or values that works for everyone in all situations, nor is there a "best" community design that applies to everyone. That said, there are a handful of personal skills and commitments as well as community designs that lend to a better community living experience, and I'll describe some of these below.
Personal skills and commitments
- Emotional intelligence: "the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions".[3]
- Communication: the capacity to communicate effectively, especially in such a way that all your interactions bring you closer to those you interact with regardless of the subject matter. For example, NVC (non-violent communication), active/deep/empathic listening, negotiation/mediation skills, conflict resolution skills, etc.
- Commitment to personal growth: A personal desire to continuously seek improvement
- Commitment to self-work: Dedication towards healing ones triggers/traumas/etc.
- Commitment to the family/collective: Making decisions that are in the best interest of everyone
Community design considerations
- Regular group activities: Merely living together will create bonds, but it is what you do together that builds connections
- Regular group emotional expression: Heart shares, ZEGG-style forums, circling, and other kinds of activities that allow people to share what's alive for them.
- Intentional civil planning: Carefully designing the layout of a community and its structures to create the kinds of interactions you desire. (For example, land and building designs should carefully consider the flow of traffic and how that will encourage and discourage social interaction.)
What spawned my desire to write this piece was the fact that I was approached by a member of the community I'm staying with and he shared some of his judgments of me since we've known each other, and they turned out to be surprisingly inaccurate. These kind of interactions that make it clear that no matter how developed and experienced you are as a person — even if you possess all the skills and commitments I mentioned above in spades — other people (who may also possess high emotional intelligence) can still come to incorrect conclusions about who you are and what your motivations are. That's why relationships are such a challenge: there's no amount of energy you can put in and expect to be perfect in all cases. It'll always be a push and pull between yourself and the person you are relating to, but without the aforementioned skills, it's easy for tempers to flare and relationships to fall apart. But if you are willing to put in the work to maintain strong relationships within a community, the reward is mighty.
It is well understood that keeping people in smaller social groups increases the amount of goods consumed, because each nuclear family has to buy the same equipment, tools, amenities, etc. In contrast, when living in a community the entire group can share things like tools, cars, TV's, computers, etc. and so those who sell goods (business owners) benefit less as an aggregate. ↩︎
The term 'co-living' has increased rapidly in popularity in the last few years, most often referring to living arrangements in which a person lives with several other roommates and shares amenities and living spaces with them. In those situations, rarely are the people involved completely integrating their lives together (i.e. it is typically a temporary relationship of convenience). However, when I use the term 'co-living' in the context of intentional community, I'm referring to a group of people who have chosen to wholly integrate their lives together and live as a chosen family (indefinitely). ↩︎
Human emotions are a complex topic and numerous frameworks exist detailing all manner of ways in which emotions should be handled. In all my research and experience up to the present moment, my belief is that emotions are neither innately good or bad, they are just an aspect of human existence that serves as an adaptive evolutionary trait for improved social organization. They can be managed in ways that serve us or that harm us. I have found that when experiencing emotions deeply, I am less able to make rational decisions, and that the expression of certain emotions is sometimes harmful to relationships. For example, yelling in rage at someone else is not likely to improve your relataionship with them.
Accordingly, I aim to stay in control of my actions and not let emotions take over me by trying to recognize emotions rising in me, taking a moment to close my eyes and really feel into them and understand what might be causing them to rise. When I do so I find it very easy to release them. Done optimally, I can experience emotions and understand these important signals that my body is telling me while remaining able to deliberately respond to the situation before me, rather than reflexively react to it. To build this skill, anytime you start feeling emotional, pause for a moment, close your eyes, and meditate on that feeling inside. Explore every aspect of it and where it is appearing in your body. Take slow, measured breathes and try to reflect on what might be causing this emotion to rise within you. After a time, the emotion will subside, and yet with the emotion identified (and sometimes the trigger as well) you are now free to determine how you want to respond. Build a habit out of doing this, and in time it will become second nature — you will appear on the outside to no longer react emotionally at all because you process it so quickly. In this way, you will radiate calmness and possess a high degree of self-control without compromising your ability to feel or express your emotions. ↩︎